Hesed & Meg

MEG…the Suburbanstein Girl

Written by: Anonymous in Testimonials

SHE – MEG

She was lost…but she didn’t know it… She, Meg, had never been found.  She survived but that’s it.  She was five when she first became aware of the fact that she was different.  That she didn’t wear monster-skin… that she didn’t need it to fit in with the Normals.  She became aware that “they” were not always trustworthy… that her “caregivers” “providers” and “spiritual guides” were all wearing monster-skin.  She assumed she was supposed to as well and figured God did too.

She wandered in and out of the years through the darkness that was seeping into her life. Though it was always present, the darkness slowly started creeping into her awareness like mist, at first barely noticeable. But it became more solid and started sticking to areas of her life and personality.   This darkness seemed to stick with every hurt whenever her reality did not match everyone else’s. People would come into her life and then leave especially once she got attached to them.  This was the monster way.  She had a family member who was a Normal but she abandoned Meg too when death took her away.  Then there was the time her unicorn lost its fragrance… when her father had monster claws but a nice voice…

What she didn’t know is that’s how the monsters make more monsters. She didn’t realize who she was.  That she was not alone.  Eventually the darkness became her friend.  Her security.  She knew it well and it was a constant companion.  It even talked to her.  It reminded her of her monsterness and how worthless she really was.

The darkness had left a shell of Meg by the time she started working in the “normal’s” world.  It became worse every year until her shell became so thin that she actually thought she would break.  To counteract this, more and more monsterness grew to protect her shell.  The razors in place of teeth became sharper…the tears of self- loathing became darker…the thoughts of suicide became stronger.

THEY – The Couple

They had experienced Great Change.  They had a love that was so strong it got them through anything; it radiated from their being because it came from THE GREAT SOURCE.  THE GREAT SOURCE… He is the beginning and the end… HE IS LOVE… and HE reigned in their life.  At the time, though, their Great Change didn’t seem like it was a positive thing. They were left isolated on an island amongst people.  They had and lost the very people they gave themselves to who didn’t seem to reciprocate in the time of Great Change.

They were Normals.  No people skin needed to hide their monsterness because there wasn’t any.  They were amazing. They had no dark mist around them.  They were people of light.  And even though they experienced Great Change they did not lose love.  Nor did they give up on THE GREAT SOURCE.  Their reality matched their lives.  Sure, they had flaws as all Normals do but their light and love seemed to make their flaws disappear. Even stranger, the light and love that radiated off of them seemed to make other people’s flaws disappear too.

They = a man and woman who were married and deeply in love.  They had grown children and many grandchildren and much love in their hearts for everyone.  They thought that THE GREAT SOURCE was done with building their family…

ALONE

At times, Meg could not stand life anymore she would cry out – watching the Normals…wanting to be one…wanting to belong and be known. She felt as though a piece of her dilapidated heart was missing.  She desperately wanted “family” people to love her unconditionally, darkness and all.  She would confer with the Normals she knew but she was told that was “impossible this side of heaven” and that her “expectations were too high.”  She believed in “God” but her God wore monster-skin and didn’t love her really.  Her God saw her needs but didn’t answer and if he did he answered her by allowing more hurt and people to abandon her either because of their monsterness, or because of death.  She was so conditioned to her perception of “God” that when THE GREAT SOURCE was working she didn’t even notice…not even when the evidence of this was right in front of her…

THE GREAT SOURCE

You know how when your heart skips a beat because of anticipation and excitement of something?  Maybe it’s going on your favorite ride, or watching a great movie, or spending time with a pet who loves you know matter what…  well, THE GREAT SOURCE — his love for us is like WAY MORE than all of the wonderful and exciting experiences you have had put together! He, although “he” is a relative term… he could be called “they in one”, “her and him”,  well, we should just stick with THE GREAT SOURCE… loved people very, very much.  Hesed was like a mist but instead of spreading darkness and pain… it wove itself through everything… Hesed was present everywhere and at all times because of THE GREAT SOURCE.  See, Hesed was THE GREAT SOURCE’s unfailing, all encompassing, palpable, permeating, penetrating, gentle, love.  And it began to weave this girl, now shell of a woman, and the couple who were Normals together…

THE MEETING PLACE

Some would say that “God” frequented it occasionally so they hoped to catch a glimpse of him and like rats trained to hit a button to receive food they would go in anticipation of this glimpse, often to be disappointed.

Others would say that THE GREAT SOURCE arranged this Meeting Place… and while Normals were flawed, despite their flaws THE GREAT SOURCE was present with them EVERYWHERE – even in The Meeting Place.  And The Meeting Place became a place of safety and family for Normals and for people trying to get help for their perceived monsterness.   HESED was great in this place.  And it was just this place that the girl now shell of a woman, Meg, turned to.

And they helped.  But they were not what her heart was begging for.   She was loved and accepted and cared for, monsterness and all.  But that was the problem, although she didn’t see it as one. Because she believed in her monsterness and the darkness that had become her friend…it showed to the Normals at The Meeting Place.   And they loved her.  But they saw it, too. Her monsterness and darkness had become stronger than the shell of who she was and it tended to be what people saw.

HESED at Work

Like a beautiful butterfly weaving its way through the world ~ HESED was at work weaving THE GREAT SOURCE’s love throughout Meg’s life.  The man from the couple approached The Meeting Place.  She ignored him.  Why connect?  Only to have yet another prove his monsterness and abandon her?  Meg chose to ignore him.   At The Meeting Place he sat across from her.  She was a bit less impressed with “God” thinking he was trying to set her up for something. (That’s the great thing about THE GREAT SOURCE and HESED, love wins despite people’s misconceptions and jaded interpretations of reality, including Meg’s.)

The man was gentle.  She didn’t see pride in his eyes or any monsterness.  He was nice.  He seemed to see in her what she secretly hoped hadn’t wilted when she adopted her monsterness.  She was intrigued by him.  He spoke openly.  They met over several occasions; each time he seemed to be a Normal.  And there was this light that permeated his being, so much so that his eyes sparkled when he spoke to her.  He introduced Meg to his wife.  Much to her astonishment, the woman was the same way.  When she spoke she was captivating.  Light would pour out of her smile and her eyes showed an acceptance that Meg found comforting.  Over time searing pain began to tear at the girl turned shell of a woman… it was the darkness…because darkness cannot exist in light and the shell of a woman only knew the darkness’ shelter.  The light that the woman and man exuded was inviting and felt so different than anything Meg had ever known…

The MIRROR

Meg saw the bright light, flow through the couple, a light she began to identify as THE GREAT SOURCE.  Every time they interacted with her she began to see herself differently.  Over time they helped her remove the darkness that clung to her life and memories…they helped her say good-bye to the darkness that was her friend, pointing out a true friend who would never tell her she was worthless.  And over time the HESED had woven them close, so close that Meg became who she never knew she could be. She became connected to THE GREAT SOURCE…

And the couple discovered something too.  They had a mirror that they wanted to show Meg one day, to show her what she looked like to them and, more importantly, to THE GREAT SOURCE.   They held it up…and in its reflection wasn’t her monsterness…nor was it the markings of hurt or the gouges that pain had left in her past.   No one saw any stains of self-loathing dripping down her face in her reflection.  Instead they saw something sparkling… something of great worth and beauty on the inside and out.  They saw a Gem… and in that moment THE GREAT SOURCE gave her to them and she went from wishing she was known and wanting to belong… to being THEIRS.  And at that same moment THE GREAT SOURCE filled a Gem shaped place in their hearts that only a daughter’s love could, and they became HERS.

 

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