Posted: February 8, 2013 in counseling, Daily Life, Daily Living, divorce, Family, family systems, life, life's hurts, loss, love, marital, Marriage, moving on, separation, valentines day

The Beginning37 years

BRING OUT THE BEST IN YOUR MAN (by the guy in the pictures)


Find the right person, fall in love, and hook your hopes of fulfillment on that person; then if it fails repeat the first three steps with someone else.  That’s the American way, but how’s that working for you?

Les and Leslie Parrott teach this in their class called Relationships 101: “If you attempt to build intimacy with a person before you’ve done the hard work of becoming a whole and healthy person, every relationship will be an attempt to complete the hole in your heart and the lack of what you don’t have.  That relationship will end in disaster.”  You keep hurting each other because you are expecting a person to do what only God can do; and when your expectations and desires are not met you lash out, blame, or leave.   Now I do not agree that this is an absolute, but you will never reach your potential if you do not work on yourself and your issues rather than faulting your spouse or lover.

Here is another approach, one that has proven to be very successful:  Become the right person, walk in love, fix your hope on God for fulfillment; then when you fail, repeat steps one, two, and three.   If you need to keep falling in love, then make sure it is with the same person….in this case your man.Here is a basic principle that can revolutionize your relationship and actually result in you falling in love and being fulfilled, but with the same person, perhaps your husband.

 What is the principle?

Answer:  The Principle of Affirmation: Guys Rise To Praise!

When you make the man you love feel valued and good about himself, even in his times of failure, he will grow closer to you and to God.  “If a man’s wife believes in him, he can conquer the world—or at least his little corner of it.” (Shaunti Feldhaun) Your affirmation is the most powerful influence in his life.

 Principle Of Affirmation

Guys Rise To Praise!

Guys rise to praise, but shrink from shame.

If we are in an atmosphere where we feel respected and affirmed we grow…

If we live in an atmosphere where we feel shamed or inferior we go…

Shauti Feldhahn wrote a very needed book called  For Women Onlywhat you need to know about the inner lives of men… She identified seven key truths a woman need to know about her man:

Men need respect… A man would rather feel unloved than disrespected. A woman’s respect, a wife’s respect means more to him than even her affection. (How we feel affection/safe)

Men are insecure… Despite our ‘in control’ exterior or appearance, we men often feel like imposters and are insecure that our inadequacies will be discovered.  No matter how secure men look on the outside, almost ¾’s admitted to being insecure about other’s opinions of them…at work and at home.

Men are providers by nature… Even if you as a woman personally made enough income to support the family’s lifestyle, it would make no difference to the mental burden the man of the house would feel to provide (part of who we are…both weighs us down and energizes us).

Men Want More Sex… Your desire for your husband profoundly affects his sense of well-being and confidence in all areas of life.

Men Are Visual … Even happily married men struggle with being pulled toward live and recollected images of other women (and we hate it).

Men Are Unromantic Clods… we want to be romantic but often hesitate because we doubt we can succeed.

Men Care About Appearance… not that you are a size 3 or 6, but that you simply try to take care of yourself, because you are precious to us and we want you to be precious to yourself.

Men Love but don’t think you know it… we think that we need you more than you need us.  One wish = that she knew how much I loved her…

Here is a true story about the power of your praise and affirmation:

Dan and Becky:  Dan and Becky were on a ski slope when their young son lost his nerve at the top of a hill.  When the boy asked his daddy to carry him down, Dan refused, so the boy fell down and began to cry and kick his feet.  Dan grew angry and demanded that the boy be a man and ski down the slope.  As he raised his voice in anger his wife Becky suggested he go on and to let her handle it. Dan started to, but when his wife couldn’t make it happen Dan came back angry and fuming. “Move away.  Your way didn’t work!” I’ll get him down the slope my way!Becky stood her ground.

Dan remembers: “My wife looked at me with kindness and strength.  When I finally reached her, her head slowly turned from side to side and she said, ‘No.’ ”      There was a moment of silence and she said, “I know you have been shamed by many men who meant the world to you.  And I know that is not what you want to do to your son.”  It was all she had to say.  A myriad of faces flashed through my memory; and I felt again the raw experience of being humiliated and shamed by men who really did matter to me.  It silenced my anger and I began to cry.  My wife put her hand on my heart and, “You’re a good man.”  She turned away and in one fluid, graceful moment, she skied down the icy slope.”    

AFFIRMATION?  Even while Dan acted his worst, his wife called him to his best, using affirmation.  She stood up to him, but she also touched him in his anger and firmly but gently reminded him, “You’re a good man.”  When Dan reached his son, he was a much-changed man.  That’s the power you women have — one act of strong affirmation can work wonders.   Dan spoke kindly to his son and apologized for making him afraid.  He affirmed his wife to his son.  Then the boy put his hand on his daddy’s heart as he had seen his mommy do and said, “Daddy, Mommy is right.  You are a good man.”

 Can you see the good in your man or your husband, even when he is at his worst?  Will you? (Love is a choice you know.)

Will you pause long enough to see the hurt behind the heat and call him to his best?    That is the practice of affirmation… You have that power & influence.       You get to choose: Guys Rise To Praise! Yours

Principle Of Affirmation

Guys Rise To Praise!

Guys rise to praise, but shrink from shame.

If we are in an atmosphere where we feel respected and affirmed we grow…

If we live in an atmosphere where we feel shamed or inferior we go…

Challenge:  Ask your man to write out two lists:  The top five or so things that fill him up and the top five things that drain him.  For the next 30 days focus on doing the five things that fill him up and avoid the five things that drain him.  See what happens when you praise him…

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